*Updated January 2024

In a relationship with someone emotionally Whose unavailable?

One of my Houston clients brought in this picture of a naked woman embracing a skeleton. She told me it had moved her deeply and spoke to her in a way that words could not. For this client, it was a visual depiction of a relationship she was holding onto with a man who could never really give her what she needed. When he would call her, she experienced a rush of happiness. But when he ignored her for days or weeks, she was forlorn and hopeless. She questioned herself and wondered why she was not more attractive to him. She was sure that if she were prettier, or smarter, or better in some way, he would be more interested. And she hated herself for not being able to just move on despite knowing the relationship was broken and lifeless. 

Seeing all of this depicted in this image communicated directly to her heart what was going on. She was holding onto a man who was emotionally dead, unable to give back or love or share in any satisfying way. She felt disgusted at the thought. The image gave her the courage to ask the hard question: how can I unwrap myself and move on from the relationship? 

Ask yourself “What are the advantages and disadvantages of staying?”

First, we examined why she had a pattern of wanting to be with emotionally unavailable men.  It was important for my client to understand that her behavior made sense on some level and even served a purpose for her. She made a list of the advantages of staying in the relationship.  When I first asked her to make the list, she said there were none, but with some help, she was able to dig deeper and see real advantages. For example, being with him allowed her to feel a sense of purpose because she could help him, and a sense of importance because she was able to get an unattainable man. Her father had also been a distant, unattainable man, and somehow capturing the heart of this man helped erase some of those wounds she felt from never feeling important to her father. 

The list of advantages of being with this skeleton of a man grew as we talked and examined it. I think it was eye-opening to see that her behavior was not crazy but served a purpose. She could then compare the list of advantages and disadvantages of staying in the relationship and decide if it was ultimately worth it for her. 

Why do we hold onto dead relationships?

Staying in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable can be complex and influenced by various factors. Here are some common reasons why people may choose to stay in such relationships:

1. Hope for Change: Individuals may hold onto the hope that their emotionally unavailable partner will change over time. They might believe that with enough patience and understanding, the partner will become more emotionally present.

2. Fear of Loneliness: The fear of being alone or facing the prospect of being single can motivate individuals to stay in relationships that are less than fulfilling emotionally. The idea of loneliness or starting over may feel daunting. You have to be brave if you are going to be happy.

3. Low Self-Esteem: Some individuals may have low self-esteem and believe that they don't deserve a more emotionally available partner. They might accept less than they deserve due to feelings of inadequacy. But trust me, everyone deserves to be loved well.

4. Investment in the Relationship: The longer someone invests in a relationship, the more difficult it can be to let go. People may feel a sense of commitment or loyalty, especially if they have invested a significant amount of time and effort. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses than live the rest of your life unhappy.

5. Familiarity and Comfort: People may find comfort in the familiarity of the relationship, even if it's not emotionally fulfilling. The fear of the unknown and the comfort of the familiar can keep individuals in less-than-ideal situations.

6. External Pressures: External factors such as societal expectations, family pressure, or financial dependencies can influence individuals to stay in relationships despite emotional unavailability.

7. Emotional Attachment: Despite the lack of emotional availability from their partner, individuals may be emotionally attached and find it challenging to detach emotionally from the relationship.

8. Belief in Unconditional Love: Some individuals hold a strong belief in unconditional love and may interpret staying in the relationship as a demonstration of their ability to love unconditionally, regardless of their partner's emotional availability. This may indicate that you are codependent more than it indicates your ability to love.

9. Fear of Confrontation or Conflict: The prospect of confronting their partner about emotional unavailability may be intimidating. Fear of conflict or a desire to avoid difficult conversations can lead individuals to stay silent about their needs. You can work with a Houston relationship therapist to help you become comfortable having healthy conflict.

10. Pattern Repetition: Individuals who have experienced emotionally unavailable relationships in the past may unknowingly repeat the pattern, as it aligns with their familiar relationship dynamics.

recognize that staying with an emotionally unavailable partner will have emotional consequences.

In such situations, seeking support from friends, family, or a Houston therapist can be beneficial. Understanding one's own needs, setting boundaries, and evaluating the overall health of the relationship are crucial steps toward making informed decisions about staying or leaving.

Getting out of a broken relationship can be a challenging and emotional process, but it's an important step toward personal growth and well-being. You may also be struggling with relationships in your life that no longer seem to work - with a significant other, a friend, or a parent. If this image resonates with you as it did for my client, it might be a good time to take stock of how the relationships are affecting you. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of staying involved. Be brutally honest. Then if you need help moving on, or setting boundaries in those relationships. This post has 11 tips for getting over a painful breakup.

Other tips for ending a broken relationship:

1. Self-Reflection:

   • Take time for self-reflection to understand your own needs, values, and goals. Assess the reasons why the relationship is broken and how it's impacting your well-being.

2. Clear Communication:

   • Have open and honest communication with your partner. Clearly express your feelings, concerns, and reasons for ending the relationship. Be honest but also respectful in your communication.

3. Set Boundaries:

   • Establish clear boundaries during and after the breakup. This may include setting limits on contact, social media interactions, and shared responsibilities. Boundaries help create space for healing. It will take much longer to move on if you keep speaking and spending time together. I know it seems brutal, but distance and boundaries are your friends.

4. Seek Support:

   • Reach out to friends, family, or a support network. Share your feelings and concerns with those you trust. Having emotional support can provide comfort during this challenging time.

5. Professional Help:

   • Consider seeking guidance from a Houston, Texas marriage therapist. You can do sessions in person or online therapy. Professional support can help you navigate complex emotions, gain clarity, and develop coping strategies.

6. Prepare for Emotional Responses:

   • Understand that both you and your partner may experience a range of emotions during and after the breakup. Be prepared for sadness, anger, and confusion, and allow yourself to process these emotions.

7. Focus on Self-Care:

   • Prioritize self-care activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This may include exercise, meditation, hobbies, and spending time with loved ones.

8. Plan for Practicalities:

   • If you share assets or responsibilities, plan for the practical aspects of separating. This may involve discussing how to divide belongings, financial arrangements, and other logistical details.

9. Stay Firm on Your Decision:

   • Once you've decided to end the relationship, stay firm in your choice. Avoid second-guessing or getting swayed by temporary emotions. Remind yourself of the reasons for the breakup. You may want to keep a list of those reasons on your phone for when you are feeling weak. This article about healing a broken heart may also be helpful.

10. Give Yourself Time:

    • Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. Allow yourself the space to grieve the end of the relationship and to adjust to a new chapter in your life. Unfortunately, you can’t fast forward through the grief. Let yourself feel the feelings when they come up. The intensity of this will lessen over time.

11. Focus on the Future:

    • Shift your focus toward the future and personal growth. Consider your goals and aspirations, and use this opportunity for self-discovery and positive change.

Remember that ending a relationship, especially a broken one, is a process that varies for each individual. Be kind to yourself, and if needed, seek counseling to navigate the emotional challenges associated with the breakup.

Related blog posts:

• Are you doing these 4 things that hurt your relationship?

• Are you growing apart from your partner by doing this one common thing?

• Why breakups are so painful

• Ways to strengthen your relationship during COVID-19

• 11 WAYS TO GET PAST PAINFUL BREAK-UPS

• You Never Marry the Right Person

• Life With A Narcissist

Ready to start feeling relief after your break up?

Contact us at Wilson Counseling to find out more about our services or to schedule an appointment. You can find out more about Couples and Marriage Counseling here. You don't have to go through this alone. We are in this together. 

OTHER THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN HOUSTON, TX

In addition to Couples Counseling & Marriage Counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals we offer Anxiety Treatment, Eating Disorder Counseling, School and College Counseling, and Infertility Counseling. As well as Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Career Counseling, Parenting Counseling,, Family Therapy, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.

If you are ready to feel closer to your partner, contact Wilson Counseling today.