A good apology is everything - Tips from a Houston couples therapist about how to make up after emotional fights

September 12, 2023 Nancy Wilson

We all know that feeling when you've messed up and you need to apologize, but the words get caught in your throat. You may be too angry or upset to apologize. You may worry that your partner won’t forgive you. Or maybe you are just at a loss for what to say. Fear not, for we have a recipe to help you navigate the delicate art of apologizing with sincerity and taking responsibility. Get ready to embark on a journey into the realms of trust rebuilding, genuine apologies, and embracing the consequences of your actions. Apologizing is not the funnest stuff, but if you can’t apologize, it will start to poison your relationship and you will end up with a very resentful partner.

the Significance of Sincere Apologies:

A sincere apology is the magic spell that mends hearts and rebuilds trust faster than Harry Potter’s wand. It's like offering a bouquet of flowers to the wounded soul, saying, "I messed up, but here's my sincerest attempt to make things right." A GENUINE apology is the first step towards repairing the cracks in your relationship and nurturing forgiveness. So, put on your apology cape and get ready to showcase your remorseful superpowers. Here is a hint, saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way, “ is neither a good nor an authentic apology.

If your apology basically sounds like you’re saying, “I’m sorry you are so ridiculously sensitive and misinterpret everything I say,” you are doing it wrong.

Does apologizing mean that you did something wrong? Kind of. By apologizing, you are not admitting that you agree with everything your partner is saying or doing. However, you are saying that you do feel remorse about the conversation, the action, and/or about the way it hurt your partner. You are acknowledging that you value your partner and want them to feel loved, respected, and cared for. Most of us are pretty bad at apologizing until we learn to check our pride at the door and focus on being empathetic about our partner’s pain.

Key Elements of a Genuine Apology:

I have broken down the elements of an apology below. It may not make sense though until you see the sample scrips that follow. Here are the key elements of an apology. If you are missing any of these elements, your apology will be incomplete and it may not feel sincere or be very satisfying to your partner.

Acknowledge your mistakes

Now, let's break down the anatomy of a genuine apology, shall we? First, we have the acknowledgment of your mistake, the moment when you raise your hands and say, "Oops, my bad!" It's like wearing a neon sign that screams, "I messed up, but I'm willing to make it right."

Show remorse

Next, we have the expression of remorse. Picture yourself as a Shakespearean actor, reciting lines like, "Oh, how my heart bleeds with regret for the pain I have caused." Seriously though, it’s important to show that you are sorry about the pain you caused your partner. I am assuming that if you love them, you don’t want to cause your partner any pain.

Talk about how you plan to change in the future

Lastly, we have the outline of steps for improvement. Show your partner that you're committed to growth and change by outlining how you plan to avoid similar mistakes in the future. It's like promising to be the world's most improved partner, complete with a cape and a superhero theme song. It can feel pretty hopeless to your partner if you keep fighting about the same things over and over and then just say sorry after fighting. It feels a little bit like that movie Ground Hog Day. Showing that you have a plan to change in the future, can be an indication that you have an actual plan to make things better.

Encourage Taking Responsibility Without Deflecting or Minimizing:

When it comes to taking responsibility for our actions, we often find ourselves playing a game of dodgeball, deflecting blame like expert dodgeball champions. It's time to step up and face the consequences without minimizing or deflecting the issue.

Taking responsibility means owning up to your actions and their consequences, even if it feels as uncomfortable as wearing a porcupine suit to a formal event. Resist the urge to downplay the impact of your actions or shift the blame onto external factors like the weather or your neighbor's cat. Embrace the discomfort, apologize, and be willing to make amends. It's like taking off the porcupine suit and saying, "Yes, it was me, and I will do better."

Take a cue from Taylor Swift and just admit, “It’s me, hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.” Are there any other Swifties out there? You know what I am talking about!

Examples of healthy ways to apologize:

Example Apology Script - Taking Responsibility:

"Hey [Partner's Name], I want to sincerely apologize for my actions during our recent fight. I realize now that I let my emotions get the best of me, and I said things that were hurtful and unfair. I take full responsibility for my words and behavior, and I want you to know that I am truly sorry. You deserve better, and I will work on improving myself and our relationship."

Example Apology Script - Acknowledging Hurt:

"[Partner's Name], I deeply regret the pain I caused you during our argument. My intention was never to hurt you, but I recognize that my words/actions had a negative impact. I'm sorry for any distress or sadness I brought into our relationship. Your happiness and well-being mean everything to me, and I am committed to learning from this experience and becoming a better partner."

Example Apology Script - Offering Empathy:

"I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart, [Partner's Name]. I can only imagine how hurt and frustrated you must have felt during our fight. It was never my intention to make you feel that way, and I am truly sorry for the pain I caused. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I genuinely want to understand your perspective better. Let's work together to heal and strengthen our bond."

Example Apology Script - Expressing Commitment:

"[Partner's Name], I want to apologize for my behavior during our argument. I realize now that I allowed my anger to cloud my judgment, and I said things that were out of line. I love you deeply, and it's important to me that we find a way to move past this. I am committed to making positive changes, seeking help if needed, and actively working on our communication so that we can build a stronger, healthier relationship."

Example Apology Script - Offering Reassurance:

"Hey [Partner's Name], I am genuinely sorry for the hurt I caused you during our recent fight. My words were thoughtless and insensitive, and I deeply regret them. I want you to know that I value our relationship immensely, and I am committed to making things right. Please understand that I'm actively working on myself and learning from this mistake. I will do everything I can to ensure that this doesn't happen again."

Remember, these scripts are just examples and should be adapted to fit the individual's personal style and the specific circumstances of the situation.

Houston couples, sincere apologies, and taking responsibility are the keys to rebuilding trust and repairing relationships. Embrace the significance of genuine apologies, with acknowledgment, remorse, and a plan for improvement. Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences without deflection or minimization. So, put on your apology superhero costume, face the music, and let the healing begin with a touch of laughter along the way.

It is not easy to apologize well. Our pride can get in the way. Sometimes we feel too hurt or angry to aploogize. And sometimes your relationship is just so toxic that it feels impossible to get back to a good place. We have Houston, TX couples therapy and marriage counselors who can help you get on the right track. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Get Support with Couples Therapy in Houston, TX today!

If you are struggling in your relationship, Wilson Counseling can help! Our Texas couples therapist and marriage counselors can support you as you reconnect with your partner. Take these steps to get support and learn how to make up after emotional fights.

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