Setting Boundaries with Family
This is the time of year that a lot of people spend with family. Truth be told, it’s probably a mixed bag. In the best of circumstances, family time can make us feel loved, accepted, and safe. But for some, family is the cause of many of our wounds. Carolyn Spring says, “The happy family is a myth for many.” Even the best parents will wound their children and fall short. As a Houston family therapist, I see the ramifications of stress within the family.
It’s important to acknowledge the effect our families have on us
When clients come in for their initial intake appointments, I always ask some questions about their family of origin and initial caregivers. People will often try to say they had great parents, a great childhood, and gloss over the more painful parts of growing up. It’s almost as if people feel disloyal saying anything bad about their parents, or maybe they have just revised the stories in their heads because that is easier to live with. But with a little bit of time, the wounds from their families start to come out. I like to reassure clients that we are not trying to blame parents, but it is important to understand and acknowledge the effect that our families had on us.
Even for people who have very successful lives, sometimes going home can make them feel small and out of control
Knowing we all have this strange cocktail of good and bad that came from our families, I think it’s important to acknowledge that our visits with them will often have a similar mix. It won’t be perfect, and it will sometimes be painful to go home. Even for people who have very successful lives, sometimes going home can make them feel small and out of control. I have always thought it was interesting that even Jesus talked about the lack of honor or respect we seem to get when we go home. He said, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family.”
Setting boundaries will help you have healthier and happier relationships
What can you do to make your time with family have more of the good and less of the hurtful interactions? I think one of the keys to this is to set and maintain boundaries. When you set boundaries, you essentially lay out what is okay and what is not okay within your relationships. You don’t allow someone to treat you like crap just because they are family.
You learn when you need to step away, or when you need some time apart to recharge. Some of you may feel guilty about setting boundaries at first. You may label yourself or someone else may label you as selfish, but the truth is that if you don’t care for yourself and set boundaries, people will take advantage of you and you will not enjoy your time together. You will likely become resentful.
Steps to setting boundaries:
Value yourself, your needs, and your time
Your time is your own. You get to choose how you spend it and with whom. Be willing to set your own schedule and let others know what your plans are. I have found that women in particular feel like they have to make others happy and play nice. But they often do so at the expense of their own needs. You matter and so do your needs. You are responsible for yourself, not for everyone else and their reactions to you. Be respectful, but it’s not your job to make everyone else happy at your own expense. You can’t make everyone happy, anyway, no matter how hard you try.
Find people who value you and build you up
Some people are toxic to you. I recommend limiting your time with these folks. You can focus on other relationships and conversations. Don’t subject yourself to too much time with people who are triggering to you. Excuse yourself if you need to. Hopefully, you also have people you enjoy. Try to focus your time and energy on those individuals.
Communicate your needs clearly
You have the right to have your needs met, but first, you must start by communicating your needs. It is okay to be specific about what you want, how you expect to spend your time, and about what you don’t want. People can not read your mind, so it is your job to communicate with them.
Give yourself permission to do what is right for you
You have every right to do what is right for you. That does not make you selfish. It just means that you are healthy enough to value yourself and your needs. You are also modeling healthy behavior for those around you. If, for example, you are not able to sleep well or rest when you stay in your in-law’s home, it is okay to stay in a hotel and just visit for a time.
Be willing to walk away
Sometimes there is no way to make things better. You have tried communicating your needs and your family is still disrespecting them. You may start to feel frustrated or angry. At times like that, it’s usually best to take a time out. Be willing to walk away if that is what is best in the situation, especially if it will help preserve your mental health.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN HOUSTON, TX
In addition to family therapy, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals, we offer Anxiety Therapy, Eating Disorder Therapy, School and College Counseling, Autism Therapy, Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling, Infertility Counseling, Perinatal and Postpartum Treatment, and Premarital Counseling. As well as Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.
If you are struggling to set boundaries or to deal with difficult family relationships, we have family therapists who can help.