Miscarriage - My Story
Guest blog post by Sarah Bradshaw.
I am a Houston infertility counselor but I also have my own experience with infertility & miscarriage. This is my story.
A red spot. Bright red. Like the bright red from a menstrual cycle starts. Why is that a big deal? I was seven weeks pregnant that Tuesday. I called the doctor and was connected to the nurse. She asked some questions. She didn’t say much other than they will look at it Thursday when I have my ultrasound and sometimes your body spots a little because it’s the regular time for a cycle. Probably doesn’t mean anything.
My appointment was Thursday at 4:00 pm. I was sitting in the very small waiting room by myself. The technician called my name. After the obligatory instructions, the room got quiet. After a few more seconds, she asked me how long I had been bleeding. It was at that moment that I started feeling hopeless. I knew what was coming next.
I met with the doctor in his office to go over the results. I guess I shouldn’t say “results.” It was more about what was going to happen in the next few days than it was about the results. The hardest part for me was not being able to know “why.” Why didn’t the sac develop? Why didn’t my body take over and help? Why can’t I make a baby and carry it to term on my own?
Do you want to know the sex? That was the first question my doctor asked after explaining that my body would take care of everything on its own (now it decides to work properly!). I softly said," “No.” He then asked what was going through my head. I smiled, but only because the words were awful. It’s funny the defense mechanisms we employ to deal with unbearable pain. The doctor understood and asked if he could give me a hug.
I went home and waited for my husband. With my husband, I didn’t have to hold back my feelings or carefully choose my words. But when he walked into the house, there wasn’t much to say. The floodgate of sadness, hurt, anger, and disappointment, opened and pain surged through me. I just cried.
I had to go back to the doctor several times after the ultrasound. It was sad knowing and anticipating the coming miscarriage. it’s hurtful when it’s happening. But, it’s defeating having to go back several times to hear “still pregnant.”
The doctor’s office has to check your hormone levels to make sure you are no longer pregnant. That was sad and tough. Sad because I had been pregnant and hopeful for 7 ½ weeks only to find out my body really couldn’t do it. It is hurtful because I believed I had failed. Me personally, not a medical issue, but a personal failing. It is disappointing because I am a woman and women are supposed to have babies. This should come naturally, right? But many times it doesn’t work that way. About 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage.
I had my miscarriage in March 2015. It will be eight years this March. I still think about what might have been. Allowing myself to feel my feelings has helped me to move forward. I was sad, angry, upset, disappointed, and confused after that ultrasound. I went to therapy to work through my emotions. Infertility Therapy allowed me to not judge myself, and to be able to truly feel. I didn’t have a set goal or use a specific theory in therapy. For me, therapy was a chance to name my emotions out loud, talk about the miscarriage, and gain insight. I need to know that I did all that I could.
Sometimes miscarriages have a medical reason for happening, but other times, like mine, they do not. Infertility counseling allowed me to process all of my feelings and to know that I am strong. It allowed me to validate and normalize my emotions. Therapy prepared me to keep going in my infertility journey and keep fighting to be a mom. It was the lifeline I needed at the time.
If you are struggling with infertility, we have Houston infertility therapists who can help you. You don’t have to go through this alone.
IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU FIND A THERAPIST THAT IS A GOOD FIT FOR YOU.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Sarah Bradshaw, LPCS, is a Licensed Professional Counselor offering compassionate therapy for adolescents, adults, couples, and families. Specializing in infertility, she employs a client-centered and cognitive-behavioral therapy approach. Alongside expertise in marriage counseling and couples therapy, premarital counseling, maternal mental health, anxiety, ADHD, education, sports counseling, and LGBTQ+ support, Sarah is recognized for her direct, empathetic, and practical counseling style. Her unique journey from sports to coaching and counseling underscores her commitment to assisting individuals on their personal journeys, with a particular focus on infertility. For appointments, reach out to Wilson Counseling today.
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In addition to infertility treatment, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals, we offer Anxiety Therapy, Eating Disorder Therapy, School and College Counseling, Autism Therapy, Perinatal and Postpartum Treatment, and Premarital Counseling. As well as Family Therapy, Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.