Deciding whether to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children is one of the most challenging and emotionally charged dilemmas parents can face. As a Houston marriage therapist, I've seen firsthand the complexities of this decision. I have seen people stay in miserable marriages because they are afraid of harming their kids. And I have seen people choose to leave unhealthy marriages because the costs of staying have become too high. It’s often an agonizing choice to make. I have the utmost respect for the love that these parents have for their kids and their willingness to do what is best for their kids even if that is difficult for them.
Both staying together and divorcing significantly impact children, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Your therapist can’t tell you what is right for you, but they can help you explore what fits for you and how to proceed best, and what you should do when you make a decision.
In this post, we explore the pros and cons of staying together for the kids, the potential problems children might face in both scenarios, and how to help them through a divorce if it comes to that.
The Pros of Staying Together for the Kids
1. Stability and Routine: Children thrive on routine and stability. Staying together can provide a consistent environment, which is crucial for their emotional and psychological development.
2. Avoiding the Stress of Divorce: Divorce is a significant life event that can cause stress and anxiety for children. By staying together, parents hope that they are shielding their children from the immediate upheaval that divorce brings.
3. Financial Stability: Maintaining one household instead of two can reduce financial strain. This stability can provide children with better opportunities and reduce the stress associated with economic uncertainty. Divorce is expensive and having to pay for two of everything is expensive, too, so there is often less money to go around.
4. Role Models for Conflict Resolution: If parents can manage to resolve their differences amicably, they can serve as positive role models for their children in handling conflicts and maintaining relationships. Kids are watching what we do. We don’t have to be perfect or get along all the time. Kids can learn just as much from our mistakes, especially if we show them how to apologize, how te express concern with kindness, and how to treat each other with respect even when we disagree. This is easier said than done, though. I recommend working with one of our Houston couples counselors to learn these skills if you and your partner are fighting a lot and are worried about how it is affecting the children.
The Cons of Staying Together for the Kids
1. Toxic Home Environment: Children are perceptive and can sense tension and unhappiness. Growing up in a home where parents are constantly fighting or emotionally distant can create a toxic environment, leading to anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues. It may also be modeling bad patterns that will start to feel comfortable and familiar to your kids when they choose a partner. They may also learn to settle for someone who doesn’t treat them well because that is what they have seen modeled.
2. False Perceptions of Marriage: If children see their parents in a loveless or hostile relationship, they may develop unhealthy beliefs about marriage and relationships. They might think that unhappiness is a normal part of marriage, impacting their future relationships. I have also seen cases of people who have trouble attaching or committing because they are so afraid of repeating what they saw in their parent’s marriage.
3. Emotional Neglect: Parents who are unhappy in their marriage might become emotionally unavailable to their children. This can lead to feelings of neglect and low self-esteem in children.
The Long-Term Perspective
While the short-term effects of divorce can be challenging for children, living in a high-conflict home can have more detrimental long-term effects. Research suggests that children who grow up in a hostile environment may suffer more than those whose parents divorce amicably. In the long run, children benefit from being in a peaceful and loving environment, even if that means their parents are no longer together.
It's important to weigh the pros and cons carefully and consider the unique dynamics of your family. Each situation is different, and what works for one family may not work for another. As a Houston marriage therapist, my advice is to prioritize the well-being of your children, whether that means working on your relationship or making the tough decision to separate. We can help you process this and deal with all of the ramifications of staying or leaving your marriage.
Helping Your Child Through a Divorce
1. Open Communication: Be honest with your children about what is happening. Use age-appropriate language and reassure them that the divorce is not their fault.
2. Emotional Support: Validate their feelings and let them express their emotions. Provide comfort and assurance that both parents love them unconditionally. Remind them that even if you and their other parent do divorce, you are still a family and they will always be a priority to you.
3. Maintain Routines: Try to keep their daily routines as consistent as possible. Stability in other areas of their life can help mitigate the upheaval caused by the divorce.
4. Co-parenting Respectfully: Show respect towards your ex-partner in front of the children. This helps them feel secure and reduces the emotional stress of feeling caught in the middle. Do not ask them to take sides or to tell you what is going on with the other parent. Your kids will feel disloyal and conflicted if they think you wan them to be on your “side.” It is normal for them to love both parents. We have an article about how to be a good co-parent that might be helpful to you. And another about how to deal with a difficult co-parent.
5. Seek Professional Help: Consider therapy for your children to help them process their feelings and adjust to the new family dynamics. A professional can provide them with coping strategies and a safe space to talk. We also offer Texas parenting counseling to help you be your best self during this extremely confusing and stressful time.
Remember, your children need to see both parents happy and healthy, whether together or apart. The goal is to provide them with a nurturing environment where they can thrive emotionally and psychologically. If you find yourself struggling with this decision, seeking guidance from a professional can provide clarity and support as you navigate this challenging time.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN HOUSTON, TX
In addition to Family Therapy, Parenting Counseling, Couples Counseling & Marriage Counseling, and Divorce Counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. We offer Anxiety Treatment, Premarital Counseling, Infertility Counseling, Perinatal and Postpartum Treatment, Parenting Counseling, Child Therapy, and Teen Counseling. As well as School and College Counseling, ADHD Treatment, Autism Therapy, Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, Chronic Pain Therapy and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.